


Back to you

by braveclarke



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Drama, F/M, Falling In Love, Romance, Slow Burn, Survival
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-02
Updated: 2014-12-18
Packaged: 2018-02-15 22:03:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2244930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/braveclarke/pseuds/braveclarke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is set during the 01x11 and after.  Clarke saves the girl that got hurt on the bridge, Tris, and is asked to become the grounders’ healer, temporary, until someone from the sea will come to take her place. She decides on taking that position, but there will be consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

“I found a vein!” I screamed, desperately, looking at Anya for approval to inject the girl with Finn’s blood. His blood. Something about that makes me want to fall there, on the ground, and give up on saving the girl, and just give up on everything, because there is so little hope that she might be okay that I don’t want to take it. But Finn’s eyes are piercing me and I know I have to try for him, if not for the child.

 My fingers are shaking, and when all the blood in the squirt is gone, I just can’t bring myself to let it down. I need to know that I’m doing something to save Finn’s life, that I’ve tried everything. He is coming behind me, taking the syringe slowly from my hands. For the next few moments, the silence is torturing me. I want to think about other ways to save that innocent girl but nothing comes to my mind.

Anya is eyeing me with a predator look and I don’t know for how much longer I can take it. But when the silence is broken by Tris’ breath, finally, I’m letting myself breath too. Somehow, hearing her heavy breathing again makes me think clearer. Hemothorax, this is what she is having. I finally remembered the name.

Slowly, I remember more and more about it.  Once I helped my mom with one of her patients. She inserted more than one tube, I think there must have been at least 3. She kept telling me how there was too much blood in the pleural cavity. Suddenly, I know what I have to do next. I know that I can save Tris’ life but I can not guarantee she will ever be the warrior Anya trained her to be.

From now on, she might start having panic attacks, she might stop breathing all of the sudden, so many things can happen to her and she will never be safe again and I know I have to tell Anya all of this but it feels like I just got Finn back and that he is mine and that I can take him and leave because I did what I had to do, I saved the girl’s life. But I can’t do that.

“I need to cut her again.”

“No!” Anya answers firmly.

“Listen… I have to. I need to know that her blood is returning to a negative pressure and that it functions normally. Maybe she might need more of Finn’s blood and we can’t know if we don’t cut her now!”,  I said, trying my best to sound  humble, but ending the sentence screaming.

She is exchanging looks with the man that stayed with us. She seems to trust him a lot. And he seems to care for her, want to protect her. He didn't want her to give me her blood. Or was it because they have some kind of beliefs? Or because he doesn't trust us? I would be fine with that. I don’t trust them either but their words and promises are everything I have so there is no room for other thoughts.

He is finally giving her the approval look and she turns to me, nodding.

This time, I’m being more careful while cutting, taking more time to make sure that I’m doing it right. I've forgotten how much I used to enjoy it when my mom let me do it. It had always felt like you are opening another door, to another world, full of unknown, a world that is in your hands to save.

The blood is coming out clearer, and looks about the right color to finally tell that for now she is out of danger.

Turning around, it’s my time to give Anya the approval look. In the next second, she is holding tight on the girl’s hand. She must mean something to her. I want to go and hug Finn but it wouldn't feel right, it wouldn't’t feel real, and his arms would only give me false hopes that I don’t want anymore. I have to face the reality.

We all spend the next few minutes in silence, the only sounds coming from Tris’ breathing, that has been slowing down, coming closer to normal.

After minutes that felt like hours, Anya is finally letting go of Tris’ hands. I'm still by the girl’s side, carefully studying her face, looking for some kind of pain that she must suffer but it’s nothing there and I keep getting lost in my own thoughts and for a moment, before the finale reality hits me, it feels like she is dead, like I killed her and I can not do anything about it.

Anya is suddenly with her hand waiting in the air, for mine. We were shaking them, and I was so lost that didn't’t realize what  I did until she started talking.

“You saved  her. And I’m a woman of my world. So your boyfriend can leave.” She said, looking at Finn then back at me.

“What about Clarke?” He is suddenly asking, and I want to punch him in the face in that moment. But I just close my eyes and turn around, facing him. His eyes hold so much that I can’t take it and I have to look somewhere else for a few moments.

“Finn… she said you can go. That was the deal, remember?”

“Yeah, but I’m not living without you!”

Why is he being so difficult? I’m ready to speak again, but Anya’s cutting me with her harsh tone.

“She can leave too.”

Did she just say that? I’m turning back to her, searching for the joke on her face, but she doesn’t seem to be the fun kind of person.

 “But something tells me she wouldn’t.” She makes a pause before speaking again. “Follow me.”  She seems confident that I’m going to choose to stay there and all I can think about is that if she is going to threaten Finn again then she is right, I am going to stay, I have no other choice. I’ve made a promise to myself that I won’t let anyone ever again die because of me. Charlotte’s last words have been haunting me all these days and all I can do is hope that she is in a better place than this and pray that she is forgiven for what she did. But what about me? Am I gonna be forgiven for everything I’ve done?

When I turn to Finn, he is raising his eyebrows at me, but I just shrug and follow Anya outside.

 

We keep following her in complete silence until I see light in the distance. It has been a long night and I’m not sure what time is it, but for the first time tonight, I’m thinking about the camp, and I’m thinking about Bellamy.

 I know he is smart enough to realize the grounders took us and I find myself wondering what is he thinking about, if he is asleep or if he is thinking about me, about us. Me and Finn. Actually, I can’t picture Bellamy thinking about, but I know that he does because I know he cares about every single one of us and I’m just hoping he also knows he has to remain in the camp, instead of pulling the bravado face and coming to look for us.

As we are getting closer to the lights, I can hear laughs and talking and all kind of sounds coming from afar and again it reminds me of the camp, full of teenagers and laughs and life and I’m wondering if I'll get enjoy that atmosphere ever again.

And I’m so deep in my thoughts that I don’t realize Anya brought us to the least expected place, the grounders’ homes. The first thing I notice in the dim light is that none of them is wearing those ugly masks. Some of them still have the paintings on their faces, but they look so strange to me like that. They are all looking at us like they are afraid, but I know they are just silenced because we came with the leader.

 And because she is giving nods of assurance to them while we are following her around their camp. But they are so much more organized. And there are houses made of rocks and tents made of straws and everything looks so secure that I’m starting to get scared. When Anya enters one of them, I follow her, gasping in shock when I see what’s inside.


	2. Chapter 2

 Their moans only give me the comfirmation I needed. They are all hurt and in pain and Anya wants me to help them, she wants me to fix my enemies so they can all come after us when I’m done. The thought makes me sick, but the feeling is quickly replaced by the doctor instincts I poses. I start looking around more closely. In the faint glow of the light that hungs over the door I can see that not all the people are soldiers, fighters. My face turns to a little boy who‘s holding his stomach to death and I lean towards him, ready to touch his sholder, but a strong hand stops me.

“Leave her. She is here to help.” Anya tells the man who is holding my wrist with so much force I’m sure my hand is gonna feel sore for days.

She wants my help. But shouldn’t I ask for something in return? Then I remember I’m not in the position to put conditions or make deals so I’m just freeing my hand from the man’s grip, leaning over to the boy in front of me. He must be around 5. 6 seems too much for the angelic eyes looking straight at me, with curiousity and so much fear.

“Hey. I’m Clarke. Do you speak English?”

He takes his eyes from me, looking at his father, searching for the right answer, and then the kid’s eyes meet mine again, nodding in approval.

“Okay then...” That’s good, I’m telling myself, grateful. This way it will be easier to see what’s going on with him.

“So… can you tell me how you feel?”

“Bad. Very, very, bad.” His voice comes out only as a whisper and I want to open my mouth again, ask him something, but he speaks before me, this time more articulated.

“Dad says I’m going to die.” At the boy’s world I instantly spoon towards his father, wondering how can someone tell a 5 years old that he is going to die  but as I look into the man’s eyes, I see so much pain that I decide to drop my question. He turns around and leaves. This kid can not be dying. I’m not gonna let that happen,  I tell myself as I’m kneeling in front of him. His abdomen is very rigid, and a woman comes closer to tell me he has been vomiting for days now and I check again, realizing his feaver must be over fourty.

“He needs water. Fresh water.” I try to sound convinging, make the people understand that this isn’t about me, this is about them.

I turn back to the kid, but he is passed out.

“Now!”, I yell, not caring about what they think of me anymore. They are not going to ever see me with good eyes anyway. Just as I am not going to see them.

Someone finally brings some water in a pot.

“I need a towel, rag, anything…” I speak again, not addressing to someone in particular, as Anya and Finn stand behind me, watching my every move. I’m laying on the ground, massaging the kid’s stomach. He is having a very bad unthreated stomach flu.

“For how many days has he been like this?”

“A few.” Anya answers my question that heads towards a young woman with red hair, that looks very pale and very pregnant.

“After you finish there, come here.”

I nod and return to my patient, rubbing the wet rug on his face,  trying to wake him up. The truth is I can’t do much for him, because the stomach flu will eventually pass if not today, than tomorrow for sure. He opens his eyes and I’m turning towards Finn, motioning him to come and help me.

Letting him in charge of the little boy, just to makes sure he takes a few sips of water every minute, I’m getting up to go and check the pregnant woman. Anya is sitting by her bed, watching me. The sweat on the woman’s forhead tells me she’s already in labor and there’s not going to be much time before the baby will come.

“Are you past eight months?” I ask coldly, trying not to let my secret sympathy for the woman be sensed.

“Oh yes. It’s the ti…Ahhh” she stops in the middle of the sentence, screaming. “Okay.” , I take a long breath, looking around. “Okay…” I repeat again, trying to calm myself down. I’ve never assisted a childbirth, my mom thought I was too little and it could scare me, but the time eventually came because here I am, about to deliver one of my enemy's baby.

“I’m gonna need hot water and two clean towels. You do have towels, right?” I ask Anya who simply nods, turns out and leaves, with other 2 women following her.

“My sister is just scared for me. Don’t mind her bad manners” the woman tells me, trying to smile but her mouth clenches in pain when another contraction rushes over her.

I don’t say anything after that, only thinking about how I might get killed sooner than I thought if this woman is the leader’s sister and she is in my hands to take care of. But soon I have hot water near me, three towels actually and another young girl ready to help me any time. No one in the room speaks, but some of them moan in pain. I’ve also asked for scissors and alcohol to sterilize them and now we are just silently waiting. Realizing that I could see some other patients until the the baby is coming, I stand on my feet, ready to leave, but the woman’s screams are more powerful this time and I know it’s time.

After another endless hour of cries and screams, the baby finally entered this horrible world. It was a girl and the mother seemed very surprised, telling me she and her husband were so sure it was going to be a boy, and then I made the mistake of asking where is he. The glance she gave me was full of hatred and pain, and without her having to say it, I understood.

“He was on the bridge…” I murmured, imagining just how many families our bomb destroyed, and how many kids were left without parents.

I don’t have the right to even want this people’s trust, and they would be idiots to give it to me, to any of us. Anya’s words from our first meeting are playing in my head over and over again. “You started a war that you don’t know how to end.”, she was right, and now that there’s no one left to save us, we will have to save ourselves, make things right, slowly but for good.

The mother is holding the baby tight in her arms and my lips curve into a small smile. And then I go to see other patients, always asking for water, or tea, or alcohol and if I ask for mint tea, or eucalypt, or honey, they seem to don’t mind, always bringing everything I ask, and I can only be amazed by how many food supplies they must have. In the past few hours I’ve been getting knives out of people’s chest, I’ve been treating infections and making sure to comfort every single one of them, because that is what my mother always told me, to make my patients feel safe and me, trustworthy.

Finn comes from time to time to help me, but he is only disturbing me, so I decided to tell him to leave back to the camp, assuring him I’m going to be fine and very busy, I even tried to joke about it, but he just looked at me, worried, without even faking a smile. As he didn’t seem to want to leave,  I asked for Anya, who simply said he should have been gone by now but he can stays if he wants, and her ignorant way of saying those worlds made me realize that I can trust her on that. She is not going to send her men after him to kill him, because she doesn’t care. All she cares about are these people, her people, and for me to help them.

Afte arguing with him half an hour, the first light of the new day was washing over the camp and he remembered about Raven and decided that maybe it’s better to go.

Now I’m just kneeling by one of the beds, cleaning an injury that one of the men got when he went haunting. The woman staying by his bed tells me they brought Tris back, and that she is very good now, she even managed to speak. And at those worlds the thought of me spending the night taking care of my enemies didn’t sound so bad anymore. I smiled back, then turn and leave to ask someone for more water.

 

Back at the camp, Bellamy was patrolling since 5 in the morning. He couldn’t close an eye all night, knowing that Clarke was captured by the grounders and he couldn’t do anything about it. She is probably dead, he kept telling himself, thinking that this way it will be easier to move on and to accept that the princess is gone. He was very aware of the risks he took when he send her and Finn in the woods and he knew Spacewalker is even more of a girl than she is but he did it anyway, because he believed here everyone is going to do hard work, no matter if they are the princess or not, but he was stupid and now he is going to have her on his consciousness for the rest of his life.

It must be past nine, because the first glimpse of sun was falling over the camp, waking people up.

He was about to go and wash a bit when he heard Miller calling his name.

“Not now, Miller!” he screamed back, dropping his gun and getting ready to wash his face, but Miller called his name again, so he dumped the water and went to see what the hell that boy wants.

“Someone’s in the woods.”

Bellamy gazed around , searching for any kind of move or sound, but nothing happened.

“Give me that!”, he said, taking the gun from Miller’s hands.

However before he got the chance to position himself, Finn came out of some bushes.

“Spacewalker? What the fuck?” He dropped the gun off his shoulder, surprised.

“Open the gates!” he yelled at 2 of the guards.

After Finn got in, they closed them again, but everyone gathered around to see the miracle, Spacewalker - alive.

“Hell, I was ready to bet you’re dead.” Bellamy said, amazed. Finn looked fine, except for some leaves in his hair.

“Yeah, well, I’m not.”

“What a joy…” Bellamy added sarcastically, smirking.

“But what about Clarke?” a girl, Fox, asked. Murmurs started in the crowd, everyone having an opinion about where she is, if she is alive or not.

“Where’s Clarke?” Bellamy asked Finn, this time with a serious dead look.

“Relax…She is with the grounders. But they aren’t hur…” Finn didn’t get to finish his sentence because Bellamy grab him by the shirt in a second, screaming in his face like a lunatic.

“RELAX? You left her there and come to tell to relax?!”

But Octavia came quickly, trying to calm her furious brother.

“Bell… calm down.”

And only when he felt his sister’s hand on his shoulder he left Spacewalker’s shirt, but not before pushing him back enough to loose his balance for a few seconds.

“She is helping them. And they didn’t hurt us. They just  need a doctor.” The words came out rushed, because Finn was scared that Bellamy is going to loose his temper again. No one said anything so he decided to go on and talk at his own risk.

“They will probably let her go too after she is done. There were a lot of hurt people and she helped them. She also helped a woman give birth. Those people needed help..”, he said, trying to sound convincing, but hell, nothing seemed to change the look Bellamy was giving him, like he is a dead man.

And he left like a dead man, because he left Clarke there when he should have stayed with her and they could’ve get back or die together.

But Bellamy calmed down a bit, only so he can have a decent talk with Finn. He needs to know what’s going on, but without the whole camp assisting their conversation, and the possible death of Spacewalker.

So he turned towards him, making him understand that they have to talk, it’s about the princess’ life, for God’s sake; then left to the dropship, with Finn following him.


	3. Chapter 3

Raven was there, trying a new method of splitting gun powder but it seemed not to work and she was as pissed off as ever, and she definitely didn't need Bellamy and Finn around, fighting about Clarke. Those boys should give the girl more credit, she thought, dumping everything and deciding to go out for some fresh air. She's been in there since yesterday. And maybe she could take a nap in Bellamy's tent while he and Finn solve their problems. Maybe even go to the river, take a mini shower, no one has to know about it. Though she knows she will be freezing and she may get a pneumonia. But she felt so squalid she just had to wash. Plus, getting pneumonia might bring Clarke back so why the hell not?

She was already heading for the gates when she heard Finn calling her name. Her first instinct was to turn right back and see what he wants, but then she remembered she is mad at him, so she kept walking, but this time she heard Bellamy screaming after her.

"Raven, come back! Now!" She stopped for a moment, thinking if it's worth to go and give those two a lesson about how you never turn a lady back from her way to a very pleasant bath, and definitely not when she stinks, but before she got the chance to consider that option, both Finn and Bellamy where out of the dropship, giving her solemn looks and she prayed that it's not going to involve her, whatever they have in mind.

Clarke's P.O.V.

And when my last patient was checked and out of trouble, I finally dared to just close my eyes for a moment or two. God, I'm so exhausted, I realized after the 2 seconds were gone and I just couldn't open my eyes. And I am hungry and I also need water but it seems hard even to think about asking someone to bring me some, now that I'm done with the wounded people too. Marcy, the woman I helped gave birth comes inside. She told me her name during the night, and for that, I don't know if I should be grateful or not. Now that name is always going to be on my mind, every time the guilt will overwhelm me, her name will pop up in my head, and her daughter's chubby face and the thought that she will never met her father, they will never leave me.

But Marcy was so nice to me, and that only makes me feel worse. I don't want her to be nice, I'd prefer her screaming at me to get away from her, like most of the people around here do, but she just looks at me and smiles or tells me about how her daughter is doing, or that Anya came to see her and she seemed genuinely happy. Oh well, that I'd like to see, because I can't picture that woman ever laughing. But in some way, I get her. I don't laugh often, and it's impossible do be all smiles and happiness when you're facing hunger, death and pain almost every day.

Marcy brings me water and cranberries and i just don't know how to thank her enough. But she only gives me one of her smiles and turns, about to leave, but she stops in the doorway, with a serious face.

"Oh.. And my sister wants to see you."

"Okay... Where is she?", I asked, while mounthing some of the cranberries she brought me, enjoying how good they taste.

"Somewhere around here..."

I nod, then she leaves and I am left alone in the dark room. I think this is their hospital. I didn't get to go outside so I shove the rest of the cranberries in my mouth, sip all the water she brought me and go to explore their world. If i don't get killed before I get to fully step outside. I always like to consider all the possibilities, be prepared. In this case, to die any time. But I've been expected that in the last mouth almost every day so I guess if it finally happens I shouldn't be surprised.

I march outside, but not a lot of people seem to be around. And they are mostly women. But the first thing I noticed is just how big the whole camp looks in the day light. Their houses come one after one, in rows that go on and on until I almost can't see anything anymore. But all the rows seem to meet somewhere in the middle, creating a colossal circle, the center of life in their world. They have a whole town here, of course they feel threaten by us. Even though we are just a bunch of teenagers, criminals, I think again, because for the first time, that world is making me feel safer, giving me a strange feeling like we have value too.

The women give me dreadful looks but other than that, no one stops me from strolling around. The place truly fascinates me. We could build houses too. I've never gone that far with my thoughts and from the position I'm in now, it sounds ridiculous, however it gives me hope. I wonder around the main area, while curious eyes are staring at me, but all I can think about is my camp and what my people think of me right now. Do they think I abandoned them? Or that I betrayed them? I wouldn't be mad at them for thinking that. After all, I think this is what I did. I didn't fight it, although maybe fighting back would have got me killed and nothing more.

Anya comes out of one of the houses and I stay where I am, watching her come closer, preparing mentally for what's coming. I have no idea what she wants to talk to me about, but I'm temped to ask her if is Finn is truly safe, just to be sure, but that might piss her off.

"Come. We need to talk." She says when she's near me. I follow her back into the room I came from, their hospital, and since no one is around, I can only assume she wants to talk about something important. And she doesn't have any men with her, which makes me feel safer.

"You already know we need a healer..."

"Yes.", I responded, only imagining where this conversation could lead.

"And we sent people to go and bring someone from the sea. But it's going to take a few months until they come back."

I simply nodded, understanding what she means without her having to go further. She wants me to be their doctor. And somehow, this doesn't surprise me. It makes me feel pleasant actually. I know I didn't gain anyone's trust in a day but I can see that she is willing to give me some credit. Or maybe she is just desperate, desperate enough to let her foe take part of this camp and these people's lives.

"I think you could do it... Until my people bring someone else."

We both remain silent after that, me thinking deeply about what this could mean to my people, to her people...

"Ok...I'll help you. However, you have to accept  _my_  terms."

At that response, she is frowning for a few moments, just making sure that I understand she is not pleased with my answer. But somewhere in my head I knew this was coming long before she even thought about it. Or this is how I feel. I feel like I've already had things set in my mind, in case something like this would happen.

"I'm going to leave. And I'm going to go and let my people know about what I decided. And I'm not coming back unless something happens.", I make a pause, watching her being clueless about my statements, but I go on. "We will have to decide how are you going to announce me. I don't want grounders around my camp. People would freak out about it , maybe shot them, and we both know that won't lead to anything good.", I speak very clear and I know i sound convincing and that she is going to agree with my plan for some reasons. Not because they couldn't just force me to remain here, but because I know she has some respect for me, just as I have for her, and we both made bad decisions but somehow, through some unspoken words, we decided not to make them anymore.

"These are my terms." "For now.", I add, and she curves her mouth into a smile that scares me at first, but then as she is waiting with her hand in the air, I realize the smile was an agreement kind of smile, so we shake hands, saying at the same time "Good.", and both smiling again at the end.

But she is back to her usual posture in a few seconds, giving me a cold look before leaving. But she turns back for a moment, smiling again before she speaks: "I'm surprised you didn't ask for any food." I smile back, but she is out before I get the chance to add "Next time."

At the camp though, things didn't work so well.

"I've told you for like ten times, I can't make another bomb! It's impossible!"

"And it's insane!" Octavia added to Raven's statement.

Bellamy moved his hands through his hair, angrily. They all waited in silence for a few minutes, until he broke it.

"Then I'm gonna go after her."

"No Bellamy, that is even crazier than the bomb." Octavia declared, beginning to get annoyed by her brother's awful ideas.

"Well O., we need her. Do you think  _we_  can survive without a doctor?"

"But do you think the rest of us will survive without any of you?"

At that question, Bellamy finally shut up. She was right in her way, but he was also right in his. He hated arguing with his sister, but she seemed to be the only one wanting to argue with him right now, and he felt like he needed someone he could yell at freely.

"I'm going to go talk to Lincoln. See what he says."

She takes a last look at Bellamy, waiting for his disapproval, but he only nods, so she leaves before he can change his mind.

Her brother was obviously bothered that she is still seeing that grounder but he realized the man knows more about this situation than any of them so he simply let her go.

They waited for half an hour in the dropship, while Monty and Raven were keeping busy trying again Raven's new method. Jasper was just quietly eating some nuts, imaging how crazy Bellamy is and how the man is going to die some day from his craziness. But he admired him and that is why he didn't say much. He liked Bellamy with his short temper, but that wasn't usually showing up that much because Clarke was always there to make him shut up or stop him before he would do anything stupid. They have to find a way to bring Clarke back, he thought to himself, before throwing some more nuts in his mouth and realizing he will need water after this.

Octavia was finally back, but she wasn't alone. She brought Lincoln with her.

"What the hell, O.? I let you go talk to him but I don't expect you to just bring him here like his one of our owns!", Bellamy shouted, exchaning a hard look with Octavia's boyfriend, that was obvious. His little sister had a boyfriend. He didn't even get to ask how old is the guy, but it looks like that question is irrelevant right now.

"So can you tell us anything?" he asked Lincoln, calmer this time.


	4. Chapter 4

Lincoln gave Octavia's brother a look. He didn't get to see him like this before. With his face pale and eyes swollen he almost pited him, but Bellamy still had the hard look on his face that meant he is all for business so Lincoln decided the guy doesn't need pity, what he needs is Clarke back and some fucking sleep.

"She is going to come back."

"She is going to come back! Fantastic!" Bellamy yelled in a sarcastic tone, earning an "What the hell bro?!"-look from Octavia, but nobody says anything as Lincoln starts talking again.

"Anya gave her a choice. She can leave whenever she wants. This is all I know."

"But she didn't come back." Jasper added in a sad tone, feeling both unsure of the grounder's words and betrayed by the fact that Clarke isn't back, maybe she decided to stay with them instead of the 100. Bellamy gives him a stern look, and after that everybody is silent for long minutes. Octavia stays close to Lincoln, but also close to her brother, not wanting him to think she isn't by his side. In these moments her brother can get angry because of anything and he usually finds reasons to get mad at her very easily.

Bellamy glances at Lincoln. "Okay. I'm gonna choose to believe you.", but then he turns to Raven with a dead look on his face. "But Raven, get those landmines ready. If she is not back by tomorrow, we go after her."

Raven opened her mouth to protest at the same time with Octavia but Bellamy was gone before they had a chance to say anything, so they just changed a worried look.

Soon after that the grounder was out of the camp and Octavia was back at her usual job, annoying her brother with stupid little things, maybe this way he can get his mind off Clarke, she thought secretly. But soon she realized he doesn't even notice her little games. Then a thought popped up in her head. Maybe she can go spend some time with her warrior, since no one will notice she is gone for an hour or two.

But when she got to his cave, he wasn't here. And neither was his sword. He must have left to his people. But he was there like half an hour ago, so he couldn't get that far. Maybe if she runs she will catch up and turn him back. She just has a feeling that him leaving isn't a good idea. Before she leaves she also picks up one of his swords, the one that he let her practice with and went into the woods, after him.

Clarke's P.O.V.

I finally left their camp, after checking one more time on Tris and a few others that had serious injuries. No one seem to care when I left and it was easy for me to make my way through the woods. The sun was hiding through clouds and was shining only from time to time, for a few seconds, over the trees. Some woman explained me the way through my camp before I left, and I felt truly scared that they know their way to us so easily. I was humming while marching through the forest, trying to make the time fly faster, but the sound of leaves crunching made me stop dead. I spoon around, but no one was behind me so I hurried towards a tree. The sounds came closer and closer, but I couldn't see anything because of the bushes around. Now I regret not asking for a weapon in case something would happen. But at that moment I thought they would think I don't trust them, which is true, but God that was a bad idea too. Lately all I come with are usually bad ideas, I realize, questioning like the hundred time if making a deal with Anya was truly in our benefit. What's going to happen if they decide they don't need me anymore? Or when the doctor from the sea will come? But I quickly remember I was about to die so many times in the past few days that taking risks shouldn't scare me anymore. But it does, it really does.

After awhile I couldn't hear anything anymore, so I decided to take a risk, again, and get away from the tree, maybe even continue my way to the camp. I take a deep breath and straighten my shoulders, moving forward with confident steps. "I must be insane" I think at the moment, but I don't stop. As I get closer to the bushes, my heart beats faster. But before I have the chance to turn around and run, multiple sounds come from near me, and suddenly Octavia lifts her head from under a bunch of shrubs, looking annoyed before she realizes I'm there.

"Clarke?!" She yells at me, surprised and joyful.

"You are okay! Thanks God! I swear I'd come to hug you right now but I'm stuck here!" She says, motioning to her legs, but I only see her head. I start laughing because she sounds just like her usual self, and she laughs too, but I stop dead after a few seconds.

"Wait.. what are you doing here?"

"I'll tell you but you can't tell my brother. He's already freaking out about you; if he finds out about this he will probably kill me before he kills you."

I chuckle just imagining the look on Bellamy's face if I would ever tell him about what I found in the woods. But that isn't funny, I think again. My lack of sleep is probably the reason why I can't think straight right now. I go towards Octavia, drop to my knees and somehow find my way through the bushes until I see her legs, while she is giggling at me.

But as I move forward in all fours, I look up and my eyes meet Lincoln's. I wanna scream but instead of doing that, I just give him a surprised look. Man, even this looks funny and I wanna laugh so bad. But that would be so unprofessional of me. I'm the leader of the 100, and showing weakness in front of a grounder wouldn't be a good thing.

"Oh yeah, I can see how stuck here you are!"

She laughs, and Lincolns laughs too, as he is holding one of her thighs. I've never heard the man talk more than 5 words, let alone smile. But laughing seem to come so natural for him in that moment, that it was impossible for me now to join the two of them. 

"Oh my God, Octavia! Your brother would kill us if he could see us right now."

"Yeah, that's also funny!", she remarks while Lincoln gets up and I continue my way throw all these thickets until I'm fully out of them.

I get up quickly and wipe my pants of dirt and some leaves.

"Clarke, you look like hell." Octavia comments and I give her a small smile.

"Tell me about it.." I say as she and Lincoln exchange a worried look.

"Come on, I am that bad?"

"Oh no, you are actually fine." She hurries to add. Well, I haven't slept in a very long time, I think there are more than 48 hours and I feel muddy and sweaty and my eyelids tend to want to press together every few minutes but the thought of getting back to the camp makes me feel better, and I can't lie, meeting Octavia and Lincoln here in the woods also makes me feel safer.

They move first, and I just awkwardly follow behind them. None of us says anything for a while, then Octavia explains that we are not very far from the camp, and that in an hour we should be there. After her comment we are silent again, until I decide to make some small talk.

"So guys, what were you doing there?"

"That's a funny story actually.", Octavia replays smiling, and I figure out it's also a top secret story that her brother doesn't need to know.

Lincoln only gives me a cold look and keeps moving, letting Octavia tell me about how she went to see him and he wasn't at his cave, but he was before that in the camp so she thought he left to the other grounders and decided to follow him but she was actually more quickly than him so she scared the shit out of him when they finally met in the woods, at that comment she had to stop just to laugh for like a minute, then she went on, telling me about how he wanted to go and get me back, for her.. and at that I glanced at Lincoln and he looked at me too but he didn't say anything so I decided to keep it like that, and the story went on, they wanted to get back but they heard me humming and they didn't know who's there so they hid in those bushes.

Bellamy wouldn't be happy about any of this, I think, but I don't say anything.

When we get to Lincoln's cave, they kiss and I look somewhere else, feeling a bit embarrassed. After all, it's Octavia and a grounder, or Octavia, kissing  _way_  better than me, a grounder. He tells her he will see her tomorrow and she smiles before leaving his side and motioning for me to go with her. We continue our way to the camp in silence, but she speaks sometimes.

"My brother is gonna be happy to see you, trust me. Even though he might feel like killing you."

"You've said that before…"

"Yeah, well I think he thinks that you abandoned us or something. I can't figure it out." , after that I don't respond with anything, because I don't have anything to say or add. I could try to explain to his sister that that isn't true but I am not very sure of that myself so I just leave it like that.

"He wants to come after you. Bring you back. But now he doesn't have to, thanks God.", I stare at her, surprised, than I remember sometimes Bellamy makes bad decisions too.

"Oh you know how he is sometimes..." She adds when she sees my expression. I simply nod, frowning at his very very bad idea. I could have been dead and he would surely be if he decided to be heroic and come after him. Some day I will really have to talk with him about all this heroism and bravado instincts and how it's better to shut them down sometimes.

Thinking more and more about him I realize my sleep will have to wait, because we'll have to discuss important things first, like my deal with the grounders.

"Hey, Finn came back, right?" , I suddenly ask Octavia, remembering about him.

"Yeah, he is fine."

We can hear the loud sounds coming from the camp and in the dark I already spot some lights.

"Okay, I'm going to go and leave you alone to enter the gates. My brother can't see me with you."

I approve her plan easily because it's a good plan. Bellamy would freak out if Octavia would be with me. She disappears in the dark and I make my way to the front gates, spotting Miller, he wears his cap like always, Jones and a few others.

"Hey guys! It's Clarke! Clarke is back!" I heard one of them screaming and than the sounds got louder and the gates opened for me, and I felt home again.

And home felt so good.

I ran towards the gates, stopping only after I was in.

Soon I met Finn's eyes but i felt like I was looking for something else. Then I spotted Octavia who simply smiled at me, before turning to her brother.

Then I met  _his_  eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, took me some real time to upload on this, but there were chapter 5 and 6 that I wasn't really happy with so I rewrite them and here is the fifth.

Then I met his eyes.

His dark eyes. They are always the first thing I search for, in a crowd or in an argument, because they always tell what Bellamy can’t. Maybe one day when things are going to get better I’m going to tell him about this too, about how important his eyes were for me and how he has no idea how many times they made the decisions for him, betrayed him by showing what he truly feels or even helped me make my choice in hard situations.

And now they are full of worries and concern. He comes closer in a hurry, the crowd letting him make his way to me. I breath heavily because of the running and because I’m scared. How am I going to tell those eyes about what I did? Octavia was right, he might kill me, before the grounders or anyone else does.

But he is so close to me right now, and the mass of people seems so far away. I catch my breath and open my mouth to speak, but I feel his hand on my shoulder and I close it, not saying anything.

“Are you okay?”, he asks me, looking alarmed.

I simply nod and look around. Everyone is looking at us. 86 delinquents are staring at us with curious eyes.

I turn back to Bellamy, no bothering to hide the emotions that were all over my face.

“I need to talk to you.” , I tell him in a serious tone. I have to tell him about the grounders before I go and get some sleep. He simply nods and turns back.

Raven is somewhere in the crowd and I met her eyes too. She seems genuinely worried so I give her a small smile and follow Bellamy through the camp. Octavia looks at us with a grin on her face, and I’m guessing her brother didn’t figure out she was gone.

Bellamy is stopping in front of his tent, letting me enter it first. Once we are both in, I inhale and exhale a few times, thinking how to drop the bomb.

“I made a deal with the grounders.”

Did that…? That just came flying out of my mouth! God, I need to start sorting things in my head. All the way to the camp I didn’t even want to think about how I’m going to tell him and now I realize it was a mistake, by the look on his face. He seems furious.

“You what?”, he yells. And at the point where he gets to yelling is where I know I had enough of his shit. But this time he lost his control too soon. And I don’t have the energy to yell back.

“Listen… I made a deal, okay? They are going to leave us alone. At least for a while.”

He stares at me for a few moments and I add a “Trust me” that comes out a bit unsure and I can see it in his eyes, that he is fighting not to give me the time to speak, but I also can see that he will, somehow he always does, he lets me speak my mind.

“Tell me about it.”, he states, unclenching his fists. I watch him trying to gain his calm back, so I decide to wait a few moments in completely silence.

“They don’t have a doctor anymore. And their leader asked me.”

“And you said yes? Are you insane, Clarke?”

“Well…” I want to say something, to defend myself in front of him, but I close my mouth instantly. I might be, I think to myself. And in all this mess I am somehow proud of my decisions. I confronted Anya and I made it on my terms and they didn’t have to manipulate me or force me into doing anything. I made the choice. And I’m not enough stupid to start pitying myself for doing so, for choosing what I think is the best for everyone. I was there and I was all by myself and he wasn’t, he was just the soldier that remained home for that battle and if he thinks he can just step all over me and my decisions, he is wrong.

“I’m not insane. I’m trying to do the right thing!” I yell at him, gaining energy from all the anger that’s building inside me.

He stands in front of me, looking all upset and angry, his face burning bright red in the faint light of his tent.

“And now what? You are just going to go with them?” He asks, looking painfully at me. I see myself in his eyes, and they are so worried and he almost seems.. scared.

“No!” I make a pause, not breaking the eye contact. I can't. "Of course not." I say this time in a lower voice, that sounds more like a promise than anything else. He is the first to tore his gaze from me, and my eyes remain still for a moment, but I slowly set them on the rest of his face. He looks exhausted, probably worse than me. 

“I made the terms, okay? And I didn’t ask for anything but I think she got the idea that we want peace.”

“You think? Clarke I swear to God…” he stopped for a few seconds, trying to control himself. Something that I appreciate in this moment because the look on his face tells me he really wants to kill me.

He takes a long breath, then starts speaking again, in a calm tone, but he avoids my eyes. "What else did they say?"

I let my lips curve into a litte smile, before going to sit on his bed. I've only came here a few times, and I've never got so close to actually stay on his bed, but my gesture seems to go unnoticeable, because he just comes and sits next to me, even though there is still some distance between us.

"It's beautiful there..." I start, speaking in a low voice, like I'm telling him a secret that no one else can know. He takes his eyes from the ground, setting them on my face, as I continue to speak. "They have houses... So many houses. Made of rocks and wood.", I speak, a little dreamy, with my eyes fixed somewhere on his neck, just.. for no reason. "I know what you think. But being there, it only made me want to come back here more."

He had a puzzled look on his face, and I gave him a grin, before speaking again. "It made me want to make a deal with them even more. I didn't realize that was what I wanted, not until Anya asked me." He keeps watching me with so much interest and I only makes me go on and talk freely, about what I truly felt in those moments. But I'm hearing the words for the first time, too. Bellamy and his presence makes it safer for me to reveal my feelings, even to myself.

"Being there gave me hope, Bellamy.", I whisper slowly, moving my head to look him in the eyes. "Maybe we can have that one day, too." After that, after my confession, none of us says anything anymore, and I know he understood me, because I know how he beats himself up over every little problem and detail in this camp and everything that doesn't work out, it's instantly on him, before it's on me or on anyone else.

After moments of comfortable silence, he finally speaks, grinning at me like he just caught me naked or something. But maybe he did, because he is the first person to listen to my hopes and little dreams; since Finn.

"Okay princess. You can have your way. But I'll be by your side all along.", he warns, and I accept it with a smile and so much relief, that I almost feel like crying. 

We exit the tent together this time, but he only gives me a smirk before he goes to take his place on watch. 

People outside seemed to mind their usual bussniness at this hour, like doing nothing around the fire. There were some loudly groups that were cracking jokes about me and Bellamy, but I didn’t mind. I actually didn’t care so it didn’t matter. It must be around nine, I think as I make my way to my tent, and Monty’s and Octavia’s and Jasper’s. That thought didn’t seem too appealing right now. All I wanted to avoid were questions, but I know people were worried about what is going to happen with us and the grounders and I can’t really give them an answer yet, because me and Bellamy still have to talk a lot of things before I'll go back to their camp. I leave a glad sigh when I see the tent empty.  I simply go and lie on my improvised bed, which is just 2 pieces of cloth over some grass but right now it seems to be the most comfortable thing in the world.

I lay awake, reflecting at all the things that happen in the past few days. We were ready to go at war with the grounders and suddenly I can change that, I can make things right. We can change it. I think at least another hour passed by without me closing an eye. I think I’m too tired to sleep. I was preparing to start another round of tossing and turning until I find a comfortable position, but I hear steps close to my tent so I just quickly close my eyes. There are people outside, talking. Maybe Octavia, Monty and Jasper are back.

“Hey Bellamy. What’s up, man?” I hear Monty asking Bellamy I guess. What is he doing outside my tent? Did he change his mind? I keep my eyes close though, but I listen carefully. Jasper is with Monty and I can hear them perfectly laughing about nothing. They probably had a little too much of Monty’s moonshine. I smile a little. I’d really like them to annoy Bellamy a bit but that’s probably not a good idea, so instead I just pray that they are going to leave before he gets angry at them.

“We kinda wanna go in.” Jasper says and Monty’s nervous laughter follows.

“Yeah, I think you are gonna sleep outside tonight.” I hear Bellamy telling them and I quickly open my eyes, already wanting to go out and protest. What is he even doing?

“Yeah but..” Jasper wants to say something, however he is cut by Bellamy’s harsh tone.

“Do I need to repeat myself?”

“No, it’s fine.” Monty hurries to say, he probably isn’t as drunk as Jasper. A long pause follows before Monty speaks again.

“Come on buddy, we are gonna have so much fun tonight!” he yells at Jasper.

“Man, that sounded so wrong.” I hear Jasper telling him, and Monty says something back but they are already far away from my tent and I can’t manage to understand what he said. I smile in the dark, shaking my head. Those idiots.

But Bellamy’s silhouette moves and I instantly close my eyes.

In the next seconds, I hear someone moving around in my tent. Oh God, what is he doing here? He shouldn’t be here. I’m so tempted to open my eyes but I still keep them close, concentrating on his steps. He lays on one of the beds and sighs deeply before murming something like “What I am going to do with you, princess?” and after that follows an overwhelming silence. I can feel his presence in the room and the fact that i have my eyes closed makes me feel somehow weak in these moments. He is invading the space, making my sense go wild, but at the same time, with him there, it's so much easier to fall asleep.


End file.
